Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
