For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
