Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
