and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
