Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hippo gnu deer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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