I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
