He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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