What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
