I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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