I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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