We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
