u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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