he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
