I need help removing her.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
