remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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