You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
