I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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