In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
