i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
