she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
