We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have feelings that need drinking.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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