We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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