Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize