I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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