Yo dont text me then not text me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
