I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
