She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
