About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
