Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.