I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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