I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
