I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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