I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
