how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
