I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
