I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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