I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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