Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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