she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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