i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
