oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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