Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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His hands were made for my vagina.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
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Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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