if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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