Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
