when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
