In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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