if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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