I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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