Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
