went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
