May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
