omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
