You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
