Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
