Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i believe in u and ur pee
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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