Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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