I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
